The beatings will continue until morale improves!
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1/24/2017
I was originally going to write a more traditional review for Sioux Falls but given how most people tend to write the same thing, I thought I'd try explaining what I think of Sioux Falls in a different format. I'm going to describe Sioux Falls by using the same joke that General Motors used to respond to a criticism from Microsoft back in the 90s (you might have seen this joke online, it's quite common). Yes, I'm going to describe Sioux Falls as what it would be like if it was a car company, like Toyota or Ford. I'll call it FallsCar for reference.
"If Sioux Falls was a car company...
The FallsCar would be a compact car but weigh 4000 lbs and has a V6 engine rated at 75 HP. It has the same length and weight as a K-Car but the ground clearance of a Ferrari (without the performance). (Please note that all specifications on the FallsCar are in SAE so don't expect metric, we at FallsCar see it as unnecessary to use metric.)
Top speed of the FallsCar is 50 mph on the highway; pushing it downhill or off a cliff gives you a top speed of 65mph. Acceleration is 0-60 in about a couple of minutes (not factoring in wind speed, road conditions or how well your individual vehicle was put together) Gas mileage is 10 mpg...on the highway. And you'd better use 92 octane or better since that engine is a 'premium' engine.
The driver sits in the rear seat so the steering wheel goes under and through the seat in front of the driver (hopefully your passenger doesn't care about a steering column right under their butt) and the horn is a button you push on the floor with your foot (and sounds like a cat caught in a dryer). The doors are keyless and open with a code which is a ten digit number that you get from the dealership and is reset if you change the battery, the car dies, you change the light bulbs/windshield wipers/brake pads/etc. The trunk opens from a button under the hood and the hood is opened by either the button on the 'dashboard' on the seat next to you or by means of using a metal prybar to pry it open at the right spot (otherwise you tear the bracket and void your warranty). A heater is not standard on the FallsCar so that must be a custom option. Three colors are available: green, brown or beige.
This car requires blinker fluid which can also be obtained at the dealership.
To start the car, place the key shaped like a pheasant into the slot on the 'dashboard' on the console to your right, place one foot on the brake pedal, the other on the horn button on the floor, and place your finger inside the cigarette lighter/fingerprint scanner on the dashboard.
Instead of circular tires and wheel, the FallsCar uses octagon shaped wheels and tires. Oil and transmission fluid is a weird mix and is only available at the dealership.
The engine and transmission need to be replaced every 40,000 miles and are basically designed by monkeys (why would you stick a moving shaft grinding right against the wall of the transmission case?). The car goes into "Dakota" mode where the AC turns on and off at random, the lights turn off in a tunnel and turn on in a field (or when the car is underwater), and the doors lock and unlock at random as well every 25,000 miles. This means you need a dealership tuneup.
The warranty is 2 years / 24,000 miles, whichever comes first. You cannot get warranty paperwork filled out at the dealership, you must first call the customer hotline (outsourced to Canada or Costa Rica) and obtain authorization and a completed slip in the mail. Then you may make an appointment at the dealership (hours are usually 8am - 5pm Monday thru Friday, Saturday 8am - 12pm depending on the mood of the employees)
When you do get your authorization slip and come to your appointment it usually takes about an hour to fix anything so they have a waiting room for you. The television plays only FallsCar TV (Fox News is too liberal and not totalitarian or cult-like enough) and the magazines available are whatever crappy tabloids they could find at Walmart. You must have your drivers license, passport, and/or bill of sale ready for presentation every time you get service on a FallsCar.
The price of a FallsCar is $30,000 before any rebates (the more money we get from Big.Gov, the better) or you can lease the FallsCar for $500/month for a minimum of 36 months (mileage is extra). Be careful of that lease, LOL. And the trade in value is a joke!
FallsCar's website is a jumbled mess but only has 4 and 5 star reviews. Google and other reviews also are 4 and 5 star reviews despite the car being a joke. 'Seriously, how dare you disparage the FallsCar? This is the highest quality vehicle made in America. Social media and other people consider it a great car, look at the 4 and 5 star reviews online. You have an entitlement mentality and need help.' This is the response customer care gives you if you have an issue with the car or the company."
In all seriousness this place is a frustrating place to live. It's bad here, I don't even really know where to start. I was going to say it's redneck bad but I think the average redneck's head would spin around like the Exorcist if they had to live here. It used to be okay but started to turn to garbage in the late 90s and really went downhill in the mid 2000s. If you've ever bought a product that either has parts that don't fit together or was designed by idiots or dies after the 1 year warranty ends, that's a good description of this town. Is there some stuff that's good here? A little, but not enough to counter the rest of the crap. And please, don't move here without doing your homework.
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