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Rochester, MN

F*** You, Rochester, and F*** Minnesota. - 5/21/2019
Rochester's kind of like one of those little chocolates with the bright, cheery candy shell. Except the insides aren't chocolate.

Living costs are creeping up and up and up as we start to feel the full effects of the Destination Medical Center project. Housing costs are getting ridiculous. 500 a month for an efficiency apartment that didn't even have a kitchen sink - it had a hot plate and a microwave on a wire cart, parked on carpet. The realtor suggested I wash dishes in the constrictive shower or the bathroom sink. The apartment itself was claustrophobic as all get out. This isn't even out of the ordinary. (Best part, SOMEONE TOOK THAT APARTMENT.) Lots of new apartments going up. Can you guess what kind? That's right, LUXURY apartments! Oh yeah. None for you, filthy lower-class plebeians! Go live in one of the exurbs, like Byron or Kasson or Stewartville, we don't want your service-industry-working non-doctor self here! Can't commute? Too bad, sucker. Property taxes are getting bad enough that a lot of local businesses can't keep up. I've seen at least a dozen different businesses shutter, restructure/relocate or reduce operating hours over the course of the last 18 months or so. Mayo snags employees from surrounding businesses at alarming rates, but don't let that make you think any of these businesses want to hire you! Oh no. Want to bag groceries because you need a paycheck? Screw you. We'll just hire a high-schooler or something, you can pound sand, chump. Did you think that if you stayed away from Marion Road you'd be safe? Think again! Have a drive-by, just a stone's throw from downtown! Also, watch out for the many homeless in the area, they can be pretty aggressive! And don't count on the police to do anything about it. They can't even be bothered to run a squad car by your apartment building when someone attempts to rip the knob off your apartment's front door. They don't care. No one cares. Drivers think they have a God-given right to make a right turn here and boy you better be careful about stepping into that crosswalk, Walk signal or no. I mean, hell, I nearly got run down by a LEFT turner, when I was in the crosswalk BEFORE THEY HAD EVEN STARTED THEIR TURN. Pedestrians are speedbumps in Rochester, and drivers will be happy to remind you of your place on the traffic food chain.

But, I mean, after you lose your job due to restructuring or whatever, get shot at, hit by cars, and run out of money, you can count on the Mayo Clinic to nurse you back to health for a sum that'll make you wish they had just let you die with some kind of dignity. It's all good. Rochester's the nicest tomb you'll ever die in.

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