So Indianapolis just doesn't measure up to the lofty standards of our little friend Zen? I'm sure the city's failure to please such a world-renowned connoisseur of urban excellence has sent every Indy resident into an irreversible emotional tailspin.
But seriously, before we give this sniffy critic a shred of credence, let's examine what exactly Zen's "standards" really are. First, he says he's "been to just about every big city," but it's hard to tell if he spent any quality time in those places or just rambled through in the back of a Greyhound.
In any case, you can tell a lot about a person's standards by the place he calls home. And in Zen's case, we're talking Portage, Michigan -- the Paris of the Midwest. Nah, just kidding -- actually, Portage is described by NeighborhoodScout.com as "Safer than 11% of U.S. Cities." (Note to Zen: That means it's more dangerous than 89%.)
Portage sounds like the kind of place where walking to the corner convenience store is riskier than taking a moonlight stroll across the Korean DMZ. Then again, it's a bad idea to leave your house in the first place, since the property crime rate in Portage is more than double that of the rest of Michigan.
Fact is, Indy’s a great city with affordable housing prices, a welcoming populace, a convenient layout, minimal racial strife and top-notch sporting events. Besides the NFL Colts and NBA Pacers, this year Indianapolis and the rest of Indiana will host March Madness itself, the NCAA men's basketball tournament. That's right -- the whole tournament. Nine years ago Indy hosted the Super Bowl.
In Zen's hometown, big-time sporting events are as close as ... well, a 2-hour-plus drive to Detroit or Chicago. If you’re less fussy, you can bop over to nearby Kalamazoo and watch the Growlers of the summer collegiate baseball league. Or the Killamazoo Derby Darlins of women's roller derby. Now THAT'S entertainment!
Zen also disparages the Indianapolis Cultural Trail, obviously failing to grasp that it helped reinvigorate the historic Fountain Square neighborhood, ushering in art studios and sending property values doubling and tripling. In Portage, art is defined as “holding your can of spray-paint steady.”
The most uproarious part of Zen's critique, however, was his fawning adoration of the Northwest: "You can criticize Seattle or Portland and people will listen," he says. Well, bro, they ought to listen: This past summer saw more than 100 straight days of rioting in Portland, while in Seattle, a bunch of scraggly protesters took over an entire neighborhood while city leaders asked them to pretty please put a stop to it.
Final evidence of Zen’s dubious judgment is this: While he shrieks at Indy’s supposedly scary murder rate, the two cities he admires – Seattle and Portland – just experienced a 74 percent and a 52 percent increase, respectively, in the homicide rate. No wonder he hunkers down in Portage.
B. |
Indianapolis, IN |
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