Native Naivete
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6/6/2006
Is there another state in the union where beat up Volvos tool around town with the word "Native" engraved on a license plate? I didn't think so. Only in Oregon. And only in Portland. I guess the word "Native" is supposed to strike fear into the heart of anyone who would tread in the sacred garden of "The Rose City." As one who lived in Portland seven years (and enjoyed the runs in Forest Park, Hood to Coast, Powell's, snowboarding, beer, soccer and golf) I feel qualified to educate all on naive native Portlanders. Let's start with their perceptions of outsiders.
The Natives hate everything--especially Seattle. Among the populace you will find a hatred for anything sensible, sophisticated or mainstream. They hate government. They hate pasteurized milk. They hate Bush. They hate Clinton. They hate money but they really hate you when you don't "spare some change." They hate Southern California. They hate the Bay Area. But most of all they HATE Seattle. You see, Seattle is the city Portland could have been. It's a world gateway with big corporations and major sports teams. The buildings are taller, Mt. Rainier is bigger. When people think of the Northwest, they think of the Emerald City, not its snot-nosed step-sister to the south. Deep down Portland natives know its their own insecurity and stupidity that prevented the Rose City from blossoming into a classy city like Seattle. Raise some of these points and you'll be met with "Get the f#*k out if you don't like it! Leave!"
Portland Natives think they're diverse. In Wonderbread Portland this might be the biggest farce of all because 90% of the population is white--like northern European white. Heck, there aren't even many ethnic names of Eastern European heritage! This leads to a virulent self-loathing that manifests itself everytime these nihilist nitwits take to the street en masse. Or should I say "en Critical Mass?" Never been to Critical Mass? If you enjoy a freak show on bicycles (really cheap ones that were probably stolen) head to Portland's North Park Blocks on the last Friday of the month. Wear your worst clothes, mess up your hair and don't shower before the big event. That way you'll fit in. <---Now that's a segue!
Native Portlanders stink. No, really! They do. They disdain deodorant and hygiene. The men like to sport scraggly beards, wear pants when its warm and dumpster dive for fashion. Native Portland women go out of their way to make themselves as ugly as possible by wearing the hide
Mitch | Grosse Pointe Woods, MI